Not Feeling so Hot

1/6/12

Not feeling so hot

So today is probably the first of my many tests in my goal of 1,000 words today. It’s a perfect storm. First of all, I have no idea what I feel like writing about. Also, I am feeling a little under the weather. What made feel so bad? Well…

Yesterday morning, I brought a nice healthy, New Year’s Resolution type of breakfast: An EAS Advantedge Shake (only 100 calories), an Atkins Brand Coconut Bar, and a delicious Chobani Cherry Flavored Greek Yogurt. I roll into work and turn on my computer. Thanks to whatever crap they put on my computer, it always takes about 20 minutes for my computer to boot up from shut down mode. So perfect time to read my Wall Street Journal and eat my breakfast. I sip on my EAS shake, while eating the coconut bar. So far, so good, keep in mind I am not really looking at the food in front of me. I am passively eating while reading the Wall Street Journal. I open the Chobani Yogurt and stir it around with my spoon while reading about the results from the Iowa Caucus. I plunge the spoon into the yogurt and take a hearty spoonful in. I taste the yogurt, and swallow it. The yogurt tastes musky, not a flavor to characteristic of a cherry yogurt, but I plunge in again. I lift the spoon, as it has a little less give than typical yogurt. I lift up the spoon, and notice a big, moldy cherry. Horrified, I throw the yogurt away immediately. But the damage is already done; there is no way I am having yogurt again for at least a little while.

So that is the first thing that may potentially be causing this sickness. Second thing potentially causing this sickness: Thursday night’s dinner. I was experiencing a severe nacho craving. Not knowing where to quench this craving, I called my friend Devin. Without hesitation, he suggested Raliberto’s super nacho platter. And so my quest began. I pulled up to the drive through and spoke to a fry cook who knew enough English to understand “Super Nacho”, but not quite enough to tell me my total was six dollars even. But I don’t judge a good Mexican restaurant by the quality of language – hombre, it’s all in the Corazon of the food. And Devin did not steer me wrong. It was a huge spread of freshly fried nacho chips, generous amounts of guacamole and carne asada, beans and sour cream, and this delicious shredded cheddar cheese that was so chewy and delicious. It was 2 pounds of nacho goodness and it was – so greasy. No wonder my stomach was now aching. A body can only process so much grease, before it uses the rest to lubricate your intestines to route the lard and toxins out of your body.

Now all of this would have been ok maybe if I could just get some rest. But of course, along with the nacho platter, I had two cups of hot, caffeinated tea. Because of this, it was 8 pm and I was still wired. I put in my Netflix DVD, Cyrus. I love John C. Reilly, and this movie did not disappoint. It was funny, but melancholy. It kept my interest all the way to the end. I laid my head down at 10, but didn’t fall asleep until 11. That still would give me 6 hours of sleep, which would be enough to process all the toxins, except…

3:00 AM and what is that on my neck? It’s my damn cat. Using my neck as a heating pad. She does not tread gingerly either. She is a 12 pound cat that has the density of a 3 year old toddler. I push her off my neck, but it’s too late. She knows where she is getting her warms tonight, and every time I’m about to doze off into dreamland, she comes back.

So I stay up, fearing my imminent doom because of the cat. And lie in bed until 5:30. I mean laying there is half as good as sleeping right? So 5:30 rolls around and I hop in the shower. But first, I perform my daily ritual of weighing myself. I step on the scale, darn, I am up 2 pounds, obviously due to the super nachos. I am still stuffed from super nachos, or possibly just lost my appetite due to moldy yogurt. In any event, I bring only an EAS Shake for breakfast this morning. I also decide that because of my sudden weight gain, I must drink the Chinese Dieter’s Delight Tea that I got from H Mart a few weeks back. What is Chinese Dieter’s Delight tea? I’m glad you asked. It’s not super caffeinated, which is a shame, because that’s what I really needed. No, it helps you “diet” because it’s a senna root tea. Senna root apparently relaxes your bowels so you’ll be pooping in no time. I called bullshit (no pun intended on this), because I drank this at 7 AM, and by 9, I still felt nothing.

So I decided to boost my metabolism with some caffeine. I made a coffee a la Nate. Which of course is coined after my friend Nate and the way he drinks his coffee at restaurants. You take one cup of extra strong Peet’s French Roast, and add two French Vanilla Flavored Creamers, and two Hazelnut Flavored Creamers. Basically until you get something as strong as coffee, but doesn’t resemble coffee at all. I drank most of it. This coffee was far to strong to actually finish.

Then my friend Danielle asked me to go to lunch at Las Delicias, which is Spanish for the Delicate Intestine. I ordered a combo plate with a Guacamole Tostada, Beef Taco, Cheese Enchilada and Smothered Relleno. Not feeling quite caffeinated enough, I sucked down two large iced teas. The funny thing about the trip to Las Delicias, is usually, I am scraping the green chile off the plate, because I want to eat every last drop. But today, I couldn’t even work up the appetite to work with the generous pool remaining on my large plate.

I go back to work, and still not feeling caffeinated enough, I go out with my friend Josh for some energy drinks. And, score, they are selling a new Rockstar. In a beautiful teal blue can, is non-carbonated, coconut flavored energies. I loved it, it tasted just like coconut water, which I was certain would revive my electrolytes, as well as spirits.

By 2:30 pm, the combination of bad yogurt, greasy Mexican food, no sleep and too much caffeine finally overcame me in the middle of a meeting. Unable to control myself any longer, I succumbed to massive explosive pain in the lavatory. I thought I was going to pass out. I can only handle so much. So now I lie in bed on a Friday night, completely void of energy, and dreaming of sleeping at 8 pm like an elderly shut-in. Why does this have to happen on a weekend? Why me? Why, why, why?

1,203 sickening words complete for 1/6/12