Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I don't know, and I don't care

When a guy pays $5k to defend himself in court
But won't even pay $25, to show his girl how much he cares
You know what, I don't know and I don't care

I could have stayed with the last guy.
Sure he fucking drove me nuts
But this is what I get

I get taken for granted
That always feels nice.
Let me take care of you
Poor decisions are my vice

Just leave me alone
You wouldn't understand
Yes I have work tomorrow
I'd fall asleep if I can

But instead I'm rolling around
wondering why
someone doesn't love me
as my life passes by.

Do I stay or do I go alone
and why is alone always option b
what did I deserve to get this
I'll never ever see

Why do I rhyme about worthless crap
It's fucking ridiculous
Just go to sleep already
In the morning, this will all be irrelevant.

Friday, March 23, 2012

In a box beneath my bed...

Is a letter that you never read, three summers back

Do all country songs just write themselves?

I'm not sure. I hear the E! true hollywood story of Taylor Swift, and how she put together these lyrics in her early years; getting the right rhythm of meaning and rhyme.

But there has to be more to it. It can't be something so simple that would get me singing "You Belong With Me" through the Iowa rolling hills.

It has to be transformative. It has to be relatable to you, no matter who you are. And I guess, who couldn't relate to being that girl on the sidelines who understood and loved the guy the whole way through...even though he loved the cheerleader/prom queen. I guess who couldn't relate to being the guy on the same type of receiving line?

But there are so many songs out there that I could easily relate to. All I want is that simply perfect romance. Where dancing in front of the headlights of a car by the lake is enough.

But those kinds of things, are lore of folk songs, and cannot be synthetically created. All moments must happen on their own, and they will, in due time.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Random thoughts through my head

You have a question, that you are afraid to ask,
Because the answer that you're dying to hear,
Is not the answer that you'll get

So you question everything before you
Is it real? Is it even close to what I imagined?
But you can't start a fight because you can't handle the fight
In your heart anymore.

You dream to find someone who will tell you
All those sweet words you want to hear
But the one who did, would say anything
Just so they could get what they want

And so why would you trust anyone?
Why would you trust everything?
Why would you leave everything you know behind?
Especially when you don't know what answer you'll get

So you leave feeling unresolved.
But knowing if you resolved it you would be worse
And maybe things would be better in the morning
Maybe things would take on a different light

Do I change things
Do I fix things
Why won't someone change for me
Or are they changing already?

For goodness sake, just tell me what's on your mind
Or is there nothing on your mind to tell?
Is it still time to play games
Why was it with you I fell

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A month off? What? Lame!

I never thought I would let it go this long. I never go more than 2 days shaving my legs, and here I am, a month off, with no words at all. But I guess this blog is not like my legs, it is completely out of sight, so therefore, out of mind.
I'm thinking though, that I will have a renewed interest, thanks to giving up some social media for Lent. It is going to be tough. We'll see how strong I can stand. Who knows, maybe after 40 days, it will be out of sight, and out of mind too.
How have things been going? Just depends on what day you ask me. But you're asking me today, so I'll tell you how things are today. Work is great. Had an incredibly productive day, starting to undertake some major projects, and just generally loving what I do. I don't know if it's what I want to do forever, but today was a good day.
The love life on the other hand, is pretty lonely. I went out on a limb for someone who I thought would be special, and they ended up being predictably ambivalent I have to stop doing this for people. Just be a selfish jerk. I mean, not to sound cynical at all, but all the bitchy girls get exactly what they want. Classy girls get dogged. We give people the benefit of the doubt when we really shouldn't /rant.
What else? Just waiting for the snow to melt down here. I have the bike set up and ready to ride. That will be an awesome distraction from my love life. Nothing but myself and the open road to focus on for miles and miles.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Today's a new day

So I've been slacking on my goal - but only a bit. It is the 21st, and I am up to 18 journal postings. Okay, not so bad. I also have been feeling a little weak on my other goal - no drinking until February 1st.

I have a confession to make - last week I slipped up. I don't entirely regret it. However, it has sort of ruined the tone of accomplishment. But what can I say? It was a Saturday night, and I was up in Edwards. Nate was working and I planned on meeting him after work. He called me and said he'd like to treat me to pizza. Well how nice is that? So I graciously accepted, and he phoned in an order to Marko's. Little did I know we were not eating there, but actually going over to the Crazy Mountain Brewery. I've tried a lot of microbreweries in the state, but never Crazy Mountain. I'd have to say the vibe is very cool. They don't have a kitchen, so you can bring in your own food - hence the pre-ordered pizza. Not wanting to drink too much, I said yes to sharing the fight of all their beers. So maybe half a pint, when you consider we were sharing it. They had a lot of good beers. They had a really delicious IPA, and the Matrimony ale was also spectacular, especially considering it was 9.5% ABV. They also had a few I wasn't crazy about - a coffee stout, which was the best coffee stout I've had, although I am not a fan of coffee stouts. I also tried Lawyers, Guns and Money - which at 10% ABV, was both overpowering in the flavor and the alcohol department.

So that was most likely one of my few last weekends with Nate. He is off the grid so to speak for a while. So I'm glad I did get to have such a perfect evening with him. I won't go into the details of what happened, because it's a really private matter for him. But I am worried and scared for him. So much reminds me of him too. Tonight I'm on the back porch, with the fire pit roaring, while I type this and watch the snow come down. He was telling me about the snow coming down today. And while I don't regret breaking the alcohol promise to myself, I do regret, not just listening to what he was feeling. All he really had were his thoughts, and I was too busy to listen. I denied him probably the thing he needed most.

So now I'm sitting here alone, feeling this fire roar. The flames high in the air. I've never been great at starting a fire, so I buy the fireplace starter log. The fireplace starter log, as best I can tell is a congealed tube of both sawdust and flammable petroleum products. It does work especially well for starting a fire. Even for someone like me, who never participated in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Campfire Girls, or even 4H.

But the smell, permeating off the top of the fire reminds me of that cold night back in October, when Nate was here. His arms around me. And we were happy, to just have each other. And I wonder often why that can't just be enough? I sit here burning the logs he cut for me, because he was to proud to let a woman do it. And I wish I could just have that time back. Where all of that was easy, and enough to keep us both going.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Equality of Love

There is one thing I definitely miss about being in a relationship. And that is the amazing equality of love that evolves over time. Dating can be the pits, because there is always some kind of misbalance of power. There is one that loves, and one that withholds love. I've been on the heavy-handed and weak side of the power struggle, sometimes with the same person. But there is nothing good that comes from that misbalance of power. A lot of walls go up, people who are hurt put on a brave face, and communication stalls.
It seems that every relationship starts this way, but over time, something changes. It's hard to say exactly what, because the natural flow of things is either the love will balance out, or the relationship will eventually falter. And it's that in-between time where one can become a basket case, full of nerves, wondering which way it will all play out.
I've kept up my walls and lost. I've given the benefit of the doubt and lost. But I've also won both ways too.
And while I've had a few long-term relationships to base all of this off of, I tend to go back to my longest one, my marriage, as a point of reference.
In the beginning, there was definitely an imbalance of power. I spent the first month thinking, this guy is cool, but not really anything else, but he kept pursuing me. That was until we had been friends for a few months and we took a vacation together. Then the power balance definitely shifted the other way, and it stayed out of balance for a long time...quite possibly two years.
We had our fair share of adventures in the meantime. We saw 12 states together and two countries. He made sure when we'd go camping we had food and a fire. I made sure we had the money to get there. All in all, we were a good team. And I don't know if this was normal, but seeing each other's strengths and weaknesses, and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable led to a general equality in power in time. He wasn't afraid to ask for my help, and I wasn't afraid to ask for his. And while things were not perfect (but what is, really?) in the time to come, there was no imbalance of power, no imbalance of needs. We both played off each other's strengths and built each other up.
So eventually the love balanced out. And I don't know if that is good, or normal, but it is one thing that I definitely miss.
As you know, the story does not have a happy ending. It was a struggle from almost immediately after we got married until the time when I finally gave up. He says he never gave up, but I think mentally at least, he checked out too, probably many years before I felt like I had tried everything to save us. Our love really never got out of balance, but it was a struggle to keep a balance of sanity. What things are worth getting upset over, and what things are worth turning the other cheek for.
As a result, I'm a lot more calm and passive. I'm probably better for it, understanding that it's important to first be a friend to your lover and not a marm or a mother. People make mistakes, and if you leave someone to their own devices, they eventually see the light, and they will feel blessed that they had someone on their side. Sometimes it feels like a curse though, because some people want a woman who is so in love that they'd act insane.
I don't know what mistakes I may have made this time. But I will say this. I have said absolutely everything that I needed to say. I've seen my walls come up, and I constantly make myself vulnerable and bring them down. I am as giving as possible, and love the way I'd like to be loved. And if that's not enough, I can't really say that I have any regrets. Because I'm not dealing with a person that doesn't love me because I'm unloveable, I'm dealing with someone who is completely lovable, but is not ready to be loved. Will a time come around when that balance of love shifts back to center? I'm not sure, but I hope if it does, I'll be there and ready to enjoy it.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Douchey Music I Like

I may not be the first person to make this generalization, but I haven't heard it from anyone else...so here it goes, an original thought:
Rascal Flatts is the Nickelback of country music.

I mean, come on, most of their songs follow the douchey premise of all these scorned lovers made us stronger today. I mean, my guess is "Bless the Broken Road" is played at more than one second wedding where each party left their respective partners. If you even do a Wikipedia on the members of Rascal Flatts, they are all utter d-bags. I mean look at Gary LaVox, he has that stupid bleach blonde spikey-do, that was only kind of cool in 2000 because Lance Bass had the same do. And guess what Gary, Lance pulled it off because he was hot and gay. But if it were only Gary's terrible hairdo, it could all be forgiven, but it's not. Next we move on to Jay DeMarcus...wait, really, are all of these guys going to have some kind of De, or La? Anyhow, Jay is married to Miss Tennessee, ain't that sweet? I'm sure he knew her long before he got big in his band...oh wait, he didn't. They met on the set of one of Rascal Flatts music videos. But hey, at least he's been married to her for 11 years...so that's not too douchey. Last, there's Joe Don Rooney - because you can't be country without two first names.

Well anywho, I know the above rant on Rascal Flatts will make the following sentence sound ridiculous, but in spite of the fact that they come off a little douchey, there are a few songs of theirs I actually do like. Once you move on past Bless the Broken Road and It's Not Supposed to go Like That...there are a few catchy little numbers that aren't so bad:

Oklahoma-Texas Line

Got an old dog, it don't like me much
That thing starts to bark his head off every time we touch
Sittin' on the porch listenin' to the radio
We sing every single song we know
Even the ones we don't
When she moves a little closer
She puts her hand in mine
Oh what I wouldn't give just to stop the hands of time

She's got long blonde hair and big blue eyes
I got all I ever need when that girl is by my side
Everything I love is there inside
A little brick house on the Oklahoma-Texas Line

She's got a part time job at the Tastee-freeze
She took the weekend off to spend a little bit of time with me
I got an old car we drove to the edge of town
We stopped by Old Man Millers' farm
Just to watch the world spin around

And she moves a little closer
She puts her lips to mine
Ain't funny how the good Lord out does himself sometimes

She's got long blonde hair and big blue eyes
I got all I ever need when that girl is by my side
Everything I love is there inside
A little brick house on the Oklahoma-Texas Line

Everything I love is there inside
A little brick house with a black top drive
Big oak tree with our names carved on the side

She's got long blonde hair and big blue eyes
I got all I ever need when that girl is by my side
Everything I love is there inside
A little brick house on the Oklahoma-Texas,
Just a little brick house on the Oklahoma-Texas Line

Oh here they come
Long blonde hair and big blue eyes
Everything I love...


Or how about Fast Cars and Freedom


Starin' at you takin' off your makeup
Wondering why you even put it on
I know you think you do but baby you don't need it
Wish that you could see what I see it when it's gone
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder

[Chorus:]
Wait, baby don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a Dogwood Branch
That river was cold but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah for me
You don't look a day over Fast Cars and Freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling

Yeah, smile and shake your head as if you don't believe me
I'll just sit right here and let you take me back
I'm on that gravel road, look at me
On my way to pick you up you're standing on the front porch
Looking just like that remember that

I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder

[Chorus]

I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
You don't look a day over Fast Cars and Freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling

Another good one is Pieces


From the moment that we met
My world was turned around
Upside down
To some degree I still regret
My memory for keeping you around
Girl I thought that you were mine
But my broken hearts been shattered
One too many times
And I don't want to see you anymore
I'm just not that strong
I love it when you're here,
But I'm better when you're gone
I'm certain that I've given and oh how you can take
There's no use in you looking
There's nothing left for you to break
Baby please release me
Let my heart rest in pieces
Someone let you down again
So you turn to me
Your convenient friend
Oh but I know what you're doing
And what you hope to find
I've seen it a thousand times
Oh the fire we had before
Are now just bitter ashes
Left scattered on the floor


So anyhow, I guess in spite of the fact that they come off a little douchey at times, they wouldn't be such a popular act if they couldn't belt out a few great hits. So they get a pass to remain in my iTunes library